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Today is July 31st, 2009 and for the past couple of weeks I have been in a serious funk. I wasn't really sure why - maybe it had something to do with the fact that I am unhappy in so many aspects of my life or that I am ALWAYS broke. I wasn't really sure, but now I know that on top of all of that today is the two year anniversary that the beginning of the end started for me and my relationship with D. Funny how the only two blog posts are about love. Honestly I am happy that I have a job now granted it may not be a job that I am super happy to have but at this point in my life it is a job and it is with a phenomenal companay. I am grateful for my family and friends. I am healthy and enjoy my alone time, but the only thing that seems to be lacking in my life is someone to share these things with. Reflecting on the past four years has really openend my eyes. I wonder how it is that D has so easily moved on with his life or not that he has moved on but how it is that he has been able to find happiness again. I know that people who know the situation will tell me that is all under false pretenses, but regardless of that I feel like I am pretty good catch, but yet here I am after several failed dates alone and pondering what has gone wrong with all of those and D. Feeling down on yourself never helps I realize that but today is just that day that really if anything goes wrong I could break down. I have pretty much cried at least 3 times and it is only 8:30...I woke up at 1 am and couldn't get back to sleep then went out on the sofa and ended up waking up again at 5. Now I am listening to Tristan Prettyman on Pandora and reminiscing on my past four years and wondering when I will ever be completely over him...

Is it true what he wrote?

So as one of the single women I think we are constantly looking for ways to help us find that person we are longing to find just like our several happily married friends, whether it is in the latest issue of Cosmo or those damn books like “He’s just not that into You.” But as a reader of both of these and interested in purchasing Steve Harvey’s new book in this same basic category, “Act like a Lady, Think like a Man” I wonder what men really want. Steve Harvey says you need to lay the ground work right off the bat and let a man know that you are not there to be another one of his conquests (if that is what you want), and I believe that if you are upfront then you won’t get your or his time wasted. But what is a single woman supposed to do when she is interested in someone? According to HJNTIY – we are in no way supposed to call a man and ask him out, but what about all these women who are trying to be independent and think it is okay. It says he is just not that into us if he is not taking us out on a date, and yes, I believe this, but why can’t a girl call? Because men like the chase? Based on some opinions of my friends, I should play games, but I have to be honest I HATE GAMES!!! But is that what men really want? This brings another point into play – no one person is the same, but are men innately the same when it comes to women? I have other friends who say call him, who cares?! Well, I care – I think I speak for everyone when I say that everyone has a fear of rejection. I know the worst thing that can happen is for him to not answer and blow you off, but I am not sure how to handle this since clearly I rarely ever put forth effort until I know that for sure that the feelings are mutual. But are men really wanting the chase or do some men feel like I do and need to know how the female feels for him in order to progress further? What do men really want? Do they want us to call and show some interest or do they prefer the woman to be completely submissive and let him do all the work? Is it true that they are not that into us if they are not asking us out, not calling us, not dating us, not having sex with us, disappeared on us, breaking up with us, doesn’t want to marry us, having sex with someone else, only wants to see us when they are drunk, or when he’s a jerk, bully, or freak???? Now some of those questions’ answers seem pretty obvious, but if that is the case then why the hell do men not just tell us they are not into us. I think it would be much better to know from the get go or when they figure it out that they are not interested anymore, but for whatever reason some men find ways to avoid the whole I don’t like you anymore scenario and do all these other crappy things to blow us off.
Another thing that drives me crazy is all this freaking technology! Seriously Drew Barrymore said it best in the movie when she said, “I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell and now you have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies…It’s exhausting!” Seriously, what happened to the phone and a phone call to ask a female out on a date?! I think texting is an amazing invention because I am a master texter and actually prefer texts over calls a majority of the time, but there is a time for texting and a time for a phone call. I actually read a blog the other day that said people are getting broken up with via text!!!! Like I said there are times for texts and times for phone calls, and a date is most definitely NOT text worthy. Phone calls are much more personal and it can mean a hell of a lot more than a text asking a girl out.
I guess I wish I just knew what the general rules are for dating, and hell if there are any general rules at all or if every man is different. My last thought is just for everyone to be open and honest with how they feel. Don’t lead anyone on and let the other person know what is going on – and for goodness sakes, don’t play games!!! Women just want men to express what they want or their level of interest and although, some (maybe even many) will flip out if you aren’t interested, most of us just want to know. It is a hell of a lot better than being left in the dark!